Why Trauma Bonds Feel Like Love But Destroy You | Ep. 003

In this raw and vulnerable episode, Lisa opens up about the confusing reality of trauma bonds - why they feel so much like love when they're actually destroying us from the inside out.

What You'll Learn:

• The brain chemistry behind trauma bonds and why they're so addictive

• How trauma bonds mimic the feeling of "true love"

• Personal stories that reveal the desperation and confusion trauma bonds create

• Why your body craves what's hurting you

• The difference between genuine love and trauma bonding

Key Takeaways:

Trauma bonds hijack your brain's reward system

The push-pull dynamic creates an addiction-like response

Understanding the science helps you break free from self-blame

Your feelings are valid, but they're not telling you the truth about love

This episode gets real about the internal battle so many face: "But it feels like love, so how can it be bad for me?" If you've ever felt confused about why you can't let go of someone who hurts you, this episode is for you.

Resources Mentioned:

The Trauma Bond Recovery Course using my proven Break & Rebuild Method: https://strongerthanbefore.ca/trauma-bond-recovery/

Transcript

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This is real talk with Lisa Sunny, Relationships Uncensored, the podcast. They don't want you listening to.

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Well, let's just start here.

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I felt obsessed and desperately in love with a medium ugly dude who treated me mostly like garbage. But sometimes, like, I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

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So if you have ever gone back more times than you can count,

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if you've ever deleted their number, blocked them, but you still had it memorized by heart.

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If you've ever said yea, I know he's bad for me, but I can't stop

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then yeah you already know what a trauma van feels like.

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Even if you didn't have the words. And if you're here thinking what the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I let this go?

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I want to stop you right there. And I'm going to tell you the truth.

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And it's not that you're weak. And it's not that you're desperate either. It's that your nervous system was stuck in a loop that was manufactured by someone on purpose, who is abusive

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to trap you there.

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So this episode is really not going to be a how to. I'm not going to give you three steps to break a trauma bond.

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That said, I do have a course on how to do that. It's called the Travel Van Recovery Course. But today I just want to talk about what it feels like to be in one, because that's the part that people don't describe clearly enough.

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So let's talk about the obsession, right? Not the ha ha ha. I stocked his Instagram kind of obsession, but like that real kind

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where your whole body is either buzzing or just numb,

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where you can't eat, where your chest

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feels like it's going to cave in.

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Where your hands are shaking while you type a message. Then you delete it and you rewrite it. And then you delete it again. Right?

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You wake up thinking about him.

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You go to sleep thinking about him. You dream about him. You check your phone the second you open your eyes, and when he doesn't text you back, you spiral.

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It's when you're in the relationship and you're fighting and you can't even imagine leaving. But you also can't imagine staying for one second longer.

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And you feel sick. You feel like you're going to die. And I actually don't even mean that dramatically. I literally felt like I was going to die. I once googled, can you die from crying? That's ridiculous.

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My stomach was in knots constantly. I couldn't eat on one hand, I was losing lots of weight, but not the good kind.

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I felt nauseous all the time. My chest was so tight I feel like my throat was going to close up.

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I would be in the shower crying with the water running just so that my kids wouldn't hear me.

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I hated myself for still wanting him, but I did, and I would lie to myself about why that was.

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I would always say it's because I loved him. Actually, I remember this one time that he asked me, why do you stay then if I'm so awful? And I said, I don't know, I must be stupid for loving you.

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In fact, one conversation that I swear I will never forget a conversation argument.

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It was where I had basically screamed, cried. Then I felt like I had Stockholm syndrome.

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He laughed in my face.

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He's like, I'm not holding you captive, crazy pants.

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But in many ways, he actually was.

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Trauma bonds and Stockholm syndrome are not quite the same thing,

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But the attachment to pain is similar, right? I was addicted to the phi of not being in pain.

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Because when he was good to me, even for a moment. But sometimes it was days at a time

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I would feel like I could breathe again. Right. This wild fact, actually, about abusive relationships is how much good they always include.

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These abusers are always nice sometimes.

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Maybe at some point the good times or just the absence of abuse. But they are. Or were good at one point.

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That's the whole thing. It oscillates between kind and mean.

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He'd be at work and he'd text like, hey, I miss you, or thinking of you, and then suddenly I'm okay for the next few hours. Didn't matter that he just screamed at me before he went to work. Didn't matter that I just been crying on the bathroom floor that morning. He missed me. He was thinking about me, right?

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I was back in,

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but then he'd go cold again. He'd be a jerk. He'd do something so friggin disrespectful again. And then I would crash.

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It was constant withdrawal. And that's actually what this really is, right? It's an emotional addiction. That's what so many people just don't get.

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The worst part is, is even therapists and I say this with love. You know, if you know me, I collaborate with therapists frequently, but some of the most invalidating experiences that I have ever had were sitting in therapy offices

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when I went for help and said, like, I feel like I can't leave this relationship, even though it's awful.

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They'd say something stupid like, well, what's stopping you?

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Or say things like, let's focus on your self-esteem. Or worse. There was one that said, why does what he's doing bother you so much? So why don't we get to the root of that?

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As if being bothered by what I couldn't identify, but she definitely should have been able to as emotional abuse

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was weird.

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Like, I just needed to love myself more and listen. Self-worth is definitely part of this, but that's not the thing. That's not the thing that we're all missing. And that's why everyone seems to think

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if victims of abuse just had better self-worth, they wouldn't be in this situation. That's not true at all.

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If your therapist doesn't even understand what a trauma bond is, how the hell are you supposed to make sense of this?

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And if you can't name it, which most victims can't even name, that it's abuse, let alone a trauma bond? If you can't, where does that leave you?

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Stuck? Confused? Definitely blaming yourself like I was.

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A lot of people think maybe they're the toxic one or they're the narcissist.

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And honestly, that's the most dangerous place to be.

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So let's just clear up a few really weird things. A trauma bond is not bonding over trauma, and it's not something that both people experience together. Right. We both have wounds were connected.

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No,

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it is a psychological trap created by one sided harm

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in consistent positive reinforcement,

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manipulation, fear and hope.

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It is this attachment, this bond that forms when the person who hurts you is also the same person that comforts you, but it's always only just enough to keep you hooked.

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It's actually a cycle of punishment and reward. Think like Pavlov's dog theory,

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right? They're tearing you down and they're pulling you back in. It's the fact that you never know where you stand. So you're constantly just

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trying to find your footing. So the second that you feel safe, you're going to call that love. But it's not love

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actually, relief.

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It's like,

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oh, finally I can exhale. Right? That's what I was chasing. Not him, not his personality, not even the relationship.

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Just that damn relief of not being in pain.

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That's what's so hard. And I swear nobody else gets it. You're trying to explain a trauma bond to someone who's never experienced it.

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Your friends are like, dude, get over him.

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Just leave. Just block him.

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Your family's like, man, how can you care? After everything he's done?

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Or worse, your friends and family don't support you in this. But

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That's a topic for another episode, right? You don't even have an answer about why you stay, or why you go back, or why you're still pining over this person. Because the truth is,

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you probably don't know either

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you're not happy, you're not proud of yourself.

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Maybe you feel ashamed, or you wonder if he's right. Right? Maybe you are the problem. Otherwise, why would you stay? Why would you keep crawling back?

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But that's shame.

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That is really part of the bond too, because now it's not just about trying to get him to love you. It's about proving that you're really not as pathetic as you feel.

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So you stay one more round. You send one more message. You feel like you've invested all this time. You can't give up now. You defend him just one more time, right?

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Because if you admit that it's abuse,

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then you have to admit what you've been tolerating.

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That is a very big truth that a lot of people aren't ready to face. I was not ready to face that at all. I was in denial that it was abuse until probably months after I left. So even now, as somebody who teaches this and works with women on breaking these travel lines, I have to say you can know all the theory in the world.

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You can understand every red flag, every trauma response, every cycle. You can have your little PhD

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in abuse or narcissistic abuse. It can all make sense to you logically, and you can still feel totally stuck.

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Because this is not just about knowledge. Now, for me, I really think that's the first step, but it's not the last step.

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This is about your body, your nervous system, your wiring,

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and when your body has been trained to chase the person that hurt you,

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healing is not going to start with more information.

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So I remember this one night. It was probably like maybe the fifth or sixth time that I said I was done. We were already living apart, but technically still together.

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I had blocked him.

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I deleted everything. I swore to my best friends I would never go back to this man. Never. And I meant it when I said I meant it in my bones.

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But then he sent me a message on LinkedIn of all damn places. And I'm blocked everywhere. Did not think to block him on LinkedIn.

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Just two sentences and I cracked.

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Man, I cracked so fast it scared me.

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I told myself it was just a reply, right? I was being polite.

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My hands were shaking, my stomach completely dropped.

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But I also felt

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excited, like I just took a hint of something.

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But that's what it was, right? It was a dopamine surge.

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That feeling of being wanted. After feeling like he discarded me.

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That's like being resuscitated, right? You're not even thinking. You're reacting. You're back in that cycle before you even know it.

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That's the part that nobody warns you about those withdrawals, the actual

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physical, emotional, spiritual withdrawals from not having their attention. So you feel restless and panicked and empty,

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like your skin doesn't fit right. Does that even make sense?

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That's how I felt.

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You open and close the same app 20 times in ten minutes.

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Maybe scroll, but nothing registers, right? You're rereading threads. You're enjoying every good moment you have with them.

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But at the end of the day, you're just looking for anything to make the pain stop.

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You think to yourself, maybe we still have a chance. Maybe he cares. Maybe he's not all bad

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girl. He doesn't.

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He doesn't care. And he is all bad. He doesn't love you in the way that you deserve. Not in a way that really honors you.

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Deep down, I know you know that, right? But like I said, knowing is not enough.

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Because if it was,

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you wouldn't still feel this way. That's actually what's so specifically cruel about a trauma bond,

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is that it twists you into thinking that the pain is proof that it mattered.

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Trauma ones actually are really good at mimicking love,

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and if it didn't mean something, then why would you be hurting so much? But that's the psychological trap.

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That's exactly what keeps you stuck.

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Because you're not chasing love.

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You're chasing validation,

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a sense of safety.

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The version of him that

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he showed you in the beginning, right. The one that made you feel special and chosen and seen,

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even if that version only lasts for whatever period of time

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could have been months of pain that followed.

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But we cling on to that.

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You keep hoping that that guy that you saw in the beginning, the one you fell in love with, that he'll come back

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if you just explain it differently. Stay longer, be more than less that. Love him better.

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He's going to remember who he was at the start.

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But the cold, harsh truth, that brutal truth,

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that version of him wasn't real.

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It was just the hook was the bait.

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We talked about the narcissistic mask. That's what that is.

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So what you're getting now, that is who he really is. That hot and cold. The person who disappears, who insults you, the one who says you're too sensitive.

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That's the real version of them.

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I know how hard that is. To accept it means the thing that you've been holding on to. You know, the fantasy, the potential that maybe one day it was never real.

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It means that you were just abandoned by him.

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Your own hope betrayed you.

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That hurts in a way that, again, very hard to explain unless you've actually felt it

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really makes you feel stupid. Question your own judgment in a huge way. Makes you not trust yourself.

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Which, by the way, is also really part of the trauma bond.

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The more confused, unstable that you really feel, the easier you are to manipulate.

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You can be controlled better when you're like this,

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That's when you never get closure, right. They don't want you to have that. That's why the apologies are always really vague.

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There's no repair. No, not a real one.

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The promises are just kind of loose.

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The affection is like just enough to reset your hope,

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but you can't really build anything real.

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So you tell yourself that you're choosing to stay. But it's literally not a choice.

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When your whole nervous system has been hijacked.

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doesn't feel like a choice

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when you feel like the only thing that will make the pain stop is hearing from them or being with them.

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And this is where it gets even more isolating.

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The people around you don't understand it at all.

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People think it's about willpower or intelligence or self-respect or self-worth,

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right? You hear people say, if it was that bad, you'd leave or I don't know.

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You must like the drama.

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Oh, you guys together. They don't understand that when you are trauma bonded, they're cruelty is actually what makes the kindness so addictive. So when they go cold and warm again,

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it's this loop that really feels like love. But it's survival and you don't recognize it at the time.

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Every time they treat you like trash and then they toss you a compliment, your brain lights up like you've been saved and you claim to it.

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When you have been love starved for long enough,

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even these little scraps feel like a meal, right? You get a sandwich after a week. It's like the greatest sandwich you've ever had. So yeah, when people say things like, just block him, man, they're missing the whole point.

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Not to mention blocking doesn't always work because these guys are relentless and they will find you

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although I do recommend blocking them once you're out.

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But really you're cutting off the drug, right? You're walking away from the only place where you felt seen and loved.

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We have to remember that these relationships start with what feels like such intense, perfect love.

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This isn't something that you just get over, right? It's something you have to recover from because it's trauma.

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And listen, you will. You really will. But the first step isn't action. It's acknowledgment. It's letting yourself say the words, this wasn't love, this was trauma.

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You've got to stop telling yourself. But I love him.

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No,

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you are trauma bonded

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once you can name it, you literally start to feel less alone. And if I'm being honest with you, that's actually what made me start doing this work. It's not because I'm magically healed overnight. The truth is, if you've been following me on social media from the early days, you watched me heal.

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In the early days, I absolutely fell back into the old patterns. But now I remember what it felt like to be screaming

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and nobody could hear me.

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Professionals didn't even get it. But when I finally heard someone explain trauma bonding in a way that made sense, I bawled my eyes out. It was my therapist. It wasn't relief, it was recognition.

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Like, I couldn't believe it. I finally had a therapist that understood. She made me feel like I didn't choose this,

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like it wasn't my fault for just feeling trapped, you know, like it was a choice that I was making or, I guess, not making.

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Now that's what I want to give to people. Really. It's just a mirror

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it's a reflection of your truth.

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So if this feels like your story, if you've seen yourself in every line, I just want you to just take a deep breath and remember you're not broken.

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You're not too far gone.

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You're just trauma bonded.

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And that's real. But good news, it is also breakable.

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And if you're not there yet, that's okay. But you're recognizing it.

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Why do we feel like we're the ones who just lost everything? Right? Like something in your body is grieving. Even though this person was awful to you.

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But the part that nobody really prepares you for when you leave a trauma bond, you don't just miss the person. You miss the cycle. That's the hardest part. The highs, the tension, the obsession,

00:15:11:04 - 00:15:12:03
Unknown
even the drama.

00:15:12:03 - 00:15:15:00
Unknown
But it's because your nervous system got used to all of that.

00:15:15:01 - 00:15:25:14
Unknown
You feel stuck with yourself, and that is truly one of the most uncomfortable places to be. And this is where a lot of women either go back or change the decision to leave. So because they're weak,

00:15:25:14 - 00:15:29:15
Unknown
it's literally because the withdrawal is unbearable.

00:15:29:15 - 00:15:37:03
Unknown
The silence feels louder than shouting the attention, and even the really toxic kind feels like proof that you existed to him.

00:15:37:03 - 00:15:45:08
Unknown
And now it's just what nothing is supposed to go from together to just strangers. No texts, no fight, no checking your phone constantly

00:15:45:08 - 00:15:47:05
Unknown
just away from this person.

00:15:47:05 - 00:15:51:15
Unknown
Silence, sure. But it doesn't feel like relief. It feels like you're going insane.

00:15:51:15 - 00:15:54:19
Unknown
You start to second guess everything, right? Was it really that bad?

00:15:54:19 - 00:15:56:09
Unknown
Maybe I overreacted.

00:15:56:09 - 00:15:58:18
Unknown
You're definitely experiencing cognitive dissonance.

00:15:58:18 - 00:16:02:19
Unknown
You're wondering, like, am I the narcissist? Maybe it's me. Did I caused this?

00:16:02:19 - 00:16:07:16
Unknown
You pull up old texts, you reread them, you watch videos, maybe even mine, and you're like, yes,

00:16:07:16 - 00:16:11:03
Unknown
that's exactly what I did. But what if I made it worse?

00:16:11:03 - 00:16:14:11
Unknown
You're going to convince yourself that if you could just explain it better,

00:16:14:11 - 00:16:16:09
Unknown
just kind of stay calm next time.

00:16:16:09 - 00:16:19:10
Unknown
If you could be less sensitive, maybe it could work.

00:16:19:09 - 00:16:20:16
Unknown
That's the trap.

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Unknown
You start romanticizing your connection and minimizing the harm.

00:16:24:06 - 00:16:28:22
Unknown
It's so easy to convince yourself that they can change, or that they have changed,

00:16:28:22 - 00:16:36:10
Unknown
and they can put on a really good show, right? Some of these long cons go on for a pretty significant amount of time, and it's extra confusing.

00:16:36:10 - 00:16:39:11
Unknown
But when I ask people when they're in that place, is,

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Unknown
has he taken accountability

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Unknown
or is he really just being nicer for now?

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Unknown
Right? Is he actually doing the work

00:16:44:19 - 00:16:51:18
Unknown
and people saying they never go to therapy? That's not true. Sometimes they can go to therapy and weaponize the language. Is he doing the work?

00:16:51:19 - 00:16:54:06
Unknown
Is he just love bombing you to get access again?

00:16:54:06 - 00:16:57:00
Unknown
Is this change or is this manipulation?

00:16:57:00 - 00:17:00:07
Unknown
Here's what you need to understand. Real change takes time.

00:17:00:06 - 00:17:04:01
Unknown
And just to sort of reality check you approximately a decade

00:17:04:01 - 00:17:05:01
Unknown
and even then,

00:17:05:01 - 00:17:09:00
Unknown
people don't fundamentally change their personality.

00:17:09:00 - 00:17:14:16
Unknown
Do you really want to wait a decade for a small change? In fact, a chance at a small change?

00:17:14:16 - 00:17:29:15
Unknown
This take someone saying I hurt you. I abused you, I crossed the line and I'll do the work. And then they name the specific work. They don't just regurgitate the stuff that you told them they need to do. Like you said, I need to spend more time with you and you said, I need to go to therapy.

00:17:29:15 - 00:17:30:21
Unknown
I'll do it. I'll do it.

00:17:30:22 - 00:17:32:13
Unknown
What's he really doing?

00:17:32:13 - 00:17:39:01
Unknown
Change isn’t a week. It's consistency. It's over time. An extended period of time with

00:17:39:01 - 00:17:40:16
Unknown
actionable follow through.

00:17:40:15 - 00:17:42:21
Unknown
That's not what usually happens in trauma bands.

00:17:42:21 - 00:17:45:01
Unknown
What usually happens is they hurt you

00:17:45:01 - 00:17:47:07
Unknown
and you pull away and they panic.

00:17:47:07 - 00:17:59:08
Unknown
Not because they love you, but because they lost control. So they really you back in with the kindness and the softness and the promises, and they give you just enough to make you question leaving.

00:17:59:10 - 00:18:02:07
Unknown
And this type of abuse, it's very custom.

00:18:02:07 - 00:18:06:06
Unknown
So they give you enough to convince you to stay

00:18:06:06 - 00:18:08:04
Unknown
but convince you to come back.

00:18:08:04 - 00:18:13:00
Unknown
Everybody needs something different. But then you're back in the cycle, right? And this time it's going to get worse.

00:18:13:00 - 00:18:16:15
Unknown
It always gets worse because now not only are you hurt again,

00:18:16:15 - 00:18:18:03
Unknown
you also feel stupid

00:18:18:03 - 00:18:19:02
Unknown
for going back.

00:18:19:02 - 00:18:20:06
Unknown
You beat yourself up.

00:18:20:06 - 00:18:22:20
Unknown
You hide it from your friends because you're embarrassed

00:18:22:19 - 00:18:29:01
Unknown
and you keep the details to yourself. Because you know what? Everyone's going to say the same thing they've been saying the whole time. Why don't you just leave?

00:18:29:02 - 00:18:34:17
Unknown
So the isolation deepens the trauma bond, because now he's the only one who gets it.

00:18:34:17 - 00:18:36:14
Unknown
He's the only one that's still around.

00:18:36:16 - 00:18:41:03
Unknown
He's the only one, even though he's also the only one causing the pain.

00:18:41:03 - 00:18:50:06
Unknown
But that's what trauma bonds do. They distort your reality so much that you start feeling safer with your abuser than you do with the people who love you?

00:18:50:06 - 00:18:54:22
Unknown
And to be fair, it's even harder for people that don't have a close knit group of people that love them.

00:18:54:22 - 00:19:03:15
Unknown
So if you've never experienced this, it is so easy to judge so easy to say, just leave when your body is not going through the actual withdrawal.

00:19:03:15 - 00:19:03:21
Unknown
The

00:19:03:21 - 00:19:08:20
Unknown
easy to say just blocking when you've never built your whole identity around keeping someone like that close.

00:19:08:20 - 00:19:10:23
Unknown
But for those of us that have actually lived it,

00:19:10:23 - 00:19:12:04
Unknown
it's not that simple.

00:19:12:08 - 00:19:15:06
Unknown
And it's not about logic. And hey, it's not about strength.

00:19:15:06 - 00:19:20:20
Unknown
You're not weak. This is about survival patterns that sort of locked in before you even knew what was happening.

00:19:20:20 - 00:19:26:01
Unknown
Maybe you learned that in childhood, and maybe love came with conditions like being quiet or useful,

00:19:26:01 - 00:19:28:07
Unknown
or being whatever someone else needed you to be.

00:19:28:07 - 00:19:31:14
Unknown
Honestly, this is the part that started breaking me down personally.

00:19:31:14 - 00:19:36:14
Unknown
The exhaustion, the pretending, the trying, the explaining myself. At least

00:19:36:14 - 00:19:40:19
Unknown
I don't know. 15 different ways. Only to be told you're ridiculous.

00:19:40:19 - 00:19:45:08
Unknown
I remember this one night. I sent him a really long message. Vulnerable. Come,

00:19:45:07 - 00:19:51:05
Unknown
but honest. And I was telling him how much the way he talks to me and the way he treats me was hurting me.

00:19:51:05 - 00:19:56:01
Unknown
He left it on read for like, three hours. And then he replies with, you're always so dramatic.

00:19:56:01 - 00:19:59:01
Unknown
Another time I did that and I think it was even shorter. Message.

00:19:59:02 - 00:19:59:17
Unknown
He goes,

00:19:59:17 - 00:20:01:00
Unknown
I'm not reading all that.

00:20:01:00 - 00:20:09:00
Unknown
And I sat there feeling like I was losing my mind, not because I believed him, right? But the part of me that I think needed him to believe me.

00:20:09:02 - 00:20:13:05
Unknown
Part of me still needed him to say, I hear you. You're right, and I'm sorry.

00:20:13:05 - 00:20:16:18
Unknown
Detaching from that validation is really, really hard.

00:20:16:18 - 00:20:23:20
Unknown
You don't just miss the person, right? You miss the version of them that you thought that they were, that fantasy that you built, that he built,

00:20:23:20 - 00:20:26:01
Unknown
and that fantasy is rooted in hope.

00:20:26:03 - 00:20:30:20
Unknown
In the context of an abusive relationship, let me tell you, hope is one of the worst things.

00:20:30:19 - 00:20:34:03
Unknown
You hope that he's going to change, but he's never going to.

00:20:34:03 - 00:20:36:22
Unknown
It's not about his ability or inability to connect.

00:20:36:22 - 00:20:42:19
Unknown
He's not doing it. He chooses not to. No amount of twisting yourself is ever going to change that.

00:20:42:19 - 00:20:45:05
Unknown
Actually, remember standing in my bathroom one night?

00:20:45:05 - 00:20:46:23
Unknown
I was staring at myself in the mirror.

00:20:46:23 - 00:20:53:18
Unknown
I remember standing in the bathroom one night staring at myself in the mirror. I could barely recognize the person looking back at me.

00:20:53:19 - 00:20:56:20
Unknown
I remember looking at my eyes. They were so like bloodshot.

00:20:56:20 - 00:21:05:18
Unknown
I hadn't even slept. My face looked hollow. I'd already been losing weight. My lips were shaking. I remember whispering out loud to myself,

00:21:05:18 - 00:21:06:20
Unknown
you are stupid,

00:21:06:20 - 00:21:08:00
Unknown
you stupid woman.

00:21:08:06 - 00:21:11:17
Unknown
Leave him, you idiot! Leave him! What is wrong with you?

00:21:11:16 - 00:21:13:16
Unknown
And I remember choking back the tears,

00:21:13:16 - 00:21:15:01
Unknown
getting choked up. Even right now.

00:21:15:01 - 00:21:16:04
Unknown
I hated myself

00:21:16:04 - 00:21:17:02
Unknown
for loving him.

00:21:17:02 - 00:21:18:11
Unknown
I hated myself.

00:21:18:11 - 00:21:27:18
Unknown
I wanted so badly to stop caring. I was so mad at myself for still hoping and always just being willing to throw myself back in every time, he said one nice thing

00:21:27:20 - 00:21:29:12
Unknown
I don't even want him anymore.

00:21:29:12 - 00:21:32:06
Unknown
I literally just wanted the pain to stop.

00:21:32:06 - 00:21:36:14
Unknown
That is what so many people don't understand. This is not about love.

00:21:36:16 - 00:21:38:15
Unknown
This isn't about wanting the person.

00:21:38:15 - 00:21:42:08
Unknown
It's about the pain, the withdrawal, the guilt, shame.

00:21:42:08 - 00:21:44:15
Unknown
You literally just need it all to end.

00:21:44:15 - 00:21:48:04
Unknown
But it feels like he's the only one who can stop it.

00:21:48:04 - 00:21:51:21
Unknown
He is the pain and the comfort. A knife and the bandaid.

00:21:51:20 - 00:21:54:09
Unknown
He's the one who's causing all of this pain.

00:21:54:09 - 00:21:55:18
Unknown
And the most insane part?

00:21:55:18 - 00:21:58:02
Unknown
Your brain knows that logic knows that.

00:21:58:03 - 00:22:01:15
Unknown
But your body doesn't know that you're experiencing cognitive dissonance, right?

00:22:01:17 - 00:22:06:08
Unknown
You're literally experiencing the I love him and I hate him at the exact same time.

00:22:06:08 - 00:22:07:16
Unknown
You are drowning.

00:22:07:16 - 00:22:16:02
Unknown
You're drowning in the reality that this man who broke you, who breaks you, is the same man that you still want to call home.

00:22:16:02 - 00:22:16:19
Unknown
So if I can just be

00:22:16:19 - 00:22:20:22
Unknown
real with you. I know that makes people feel really stupid. I felt stupid,

00:22:20:23 - 00:22:27:07
Unknown
but it actually means that you were conditioned emotionally, neurologically, and physically to chase his approval.

00:22:27:09 - 00:22:29:12
Unknown
You're going to confuse chaos with connection.

00:22:29:12 - 00:22:35:08
Unknown
You're going to chase the height of feeling seen, even if it's by someone who basically only sees you when it benefits him.

00:22:35:07 - 00:22:43:21
Unknown
And every time he shows up again, even with the smallest gesture, it confirms the part of you that things like, you know, it's see, it wasn't all that bad.

00:22:43:21 - 00:22:46:14
Unknown
Maybe he did love you. Maybe you are special.

00:22:46:14 - 00:22:54:17
Unknown
But listen, if he loved you, I'm telling you, he wouldn't keep breaking you. If he had any respect for you, you wouldn't have to beg him to stop hurting you.

00:22:54:19 - 00:22:57:18
Unknown
None of this is complicated. It's calculated.

00:22:57:18 - 00:22:59:23
Unknown
He knew exactly how to tear me down.

00:22:59:23 - 00:23:02:21
Unknown
He knew exactly how to swoop in with just enough

00:23:02:21 - 00:23:08:02
Unknown
words and fluff to keep me. There was never an accident. So the longer that I stayed,

00:23:08:02 - 00:23:14:20
Unknown
the more I thought that I was the problem. And that's the damn thing about trauma bonds. They make you forget who you were before him.

00:23:14:19 - 00:23:20:00
Unknown
They make you perform right to be sexier, quieter, more chill, less jealous

00:23:20:00 - 00:23:25:04
Unknown
until you don't even know what you want anymore. Because all you want is to not lose him.

00:23:25:05 - 00:23:29:05
Unknown
And I remember asking myself, like, is this really what I think I deserve?

00:23:29:05 - 00:23:33:04
Unknown
And at the end of the day, yeah, the answer is no. But what was I showing myself?

00:23:33:04 - 00:23:35:21
Unknown
I didn't know what real love actually looked like.

00:23:35:21 - 00:23:40:06
Unknown
I knew what performing was. I knew what anxiety was. I didn't know peace.

00:23:40:06 - 00:23:42:09
Unknown
Not until I was in my current relationship.

00:23:42:09 - 00:23:49:02
Unknown
Peace felt foreign at the beginning. Boring. Even uncomfortable. That's what keeps a lot of people stuck. Because when you leave,

00:23:49:02 - 00:23:55:16
Unknown
not just him that you're walking away from, you're actually walking away from the idea that if you just held on long enough

00:23:55:15 - 00:23:57:04
Unknown
that he would finally choose you.

00:23:57:04 - 00:24:04:06
Unknown
And that's brutal. It means facing the fact that the man you loved never existed, not in the way that you needed him to. Right?

00:24:04:07 - 00:24:09:02
Unknown
Like finally, painfully admitting to yourself that basically you've been chasing a ghost.

00:24:09:04 - 00:24:14:06
Unknown
I promise you, there is another life on the other side of this may not be perfect.

00:24:14:06 - 00:24:17:18
Unknown
It's probably not going to be pain free, but it's going to be peaceful.

00:24:17:18 - 00:24:20:11
Unknown
And isn't that really what you were always looking for?

00:24:20:11 - 00:24:22:23
Unknown
It just wasn't in him. It was in you.

00:24:23:04 - 00:24:42:11
Unknown
If this episode gave you clarity. Share it with someone who needs it. Thanks for being here and for being honest with yourself. And remember, you're stronger than before. Stronger than before.