Finding Real Love After an Abusive Relationship | S2E01

After abuse, so many of us wonder if love is even possible again. We tell ourselves we’re too broken, too much, or too “used up". I used to believe that too—until I met Jamie.

Together we share what it’s really like to build a relationship after abuse—the fears, the triggers, and the moments that almost felt too good to be true. We talk about unlearning survival mode, discovering what reciprocity actually feels like, and why healing doesn’t have to be complete before love can begin.

It’s not a fairytale and it’s not perfect. but it’s real. For anyone who feels like love isn’t possible after everything you’ve been through—I want you to know it is.

Transcript

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Welcome to another episode of Real Talk with Lisa Sonni Relationships uncensored and I have a completely different format for my first episode because I want to talk about healthy love after abuse. I constantly hear from my clients that you just never want to date again, or that they have no hope that they could ever meet someone. And so I thought, who better to talk about meeting someone and being in love and healthy love after abuse? Then my man Mr. Jamie Eckford. So I know it's, it's not normal for us to be in this format, having a conversation in this way on the internet. Talking about it for a while. And I guess you finally got me. You finally did. So many people have questions, though, for me about how did you ever trust him? How did you tell him that you were in an abusive relationship and all that? And it's terrifying. I was terrified, I still remember because it's a normal question like, oh, what do you do for a living? Oh, what do you do for a living? And I was like, I'm a relationship coach. And I talk about domestic violence and, you know, because, like, I have personal experience. I was so nervous to tell you. Do you remember what your reaction was? Do you remember, Oh, I was, it was a long time ago now, but honestly, I know I was I had been through so much in my life that anything that was going to come my way, oh, like, wouldn't surprise me. And I mean, like, I'm there to be able to, to handle anything. So I didn't. I didn't. Know. It takes away. Oh, I was so nervous at the time. I think I thought that if I because I heard this before, that if you tell someone that you've been abused before, then they're like, oh, so I can get away with that. I can treat you badly. I get the terrifying part. But then also, I have been in many abusive relationships, so I can relate to that. Yeah, I didn't expect that, obviously, because I know. I'm a man. You know. Yeah. Like if it's, you know, given what I talk about to when I talk about abusive men, not that I don't know that women can be abusive too. It's just not what I talk about. So. But it was interesting, you know, learning even from your perspective what, what men go through. But it was a very nerve wracking thing to kind of get to know you. And one thing that I get asked, like I would say, the number one question is, especially when we first started and I was talking about, you know, online people were like, do you know he's not a narcissist? Oh my God. Okay. So truth truth. In the beginning I used to say to you all the time, are you real? Yeah. You can't be real. And I used to lie all the time, but I'm all right. You know, in my mind, I would just go get it and get it. She's been through a lot. And you know, once that trust is broken, toward men. And because I had a wall, you didn't know. Yeah, but I had my own wall up because of the abusive relationships and stuff that I went through. So I totally was understanding and getting it. And I. So you got to know it though, a little bit like towards the end, it was like, okay, listen, like, this is what we need to do. Yeah. Exactly. How do I, how do I get past this like because you know, but I get it, you know, it's sometimes you think it's too good to be true, but. I knew what I was looking for, and I knew what you were looking for. Yeah. Was it hard, though, like dating somebody who's got triggers and I, like you have your own, I get it, but my triggers, what was. You know, what about me? Made you be like, man? Like, when is she going to get past this? Like, one thing I think of is asking for help. Every time I struggle to do something and you're like, dude. Babe, ask me. I found it funny in a way, because I get it. Because at that point I still haven't really known you. And I'm getting to know you and I, but in my mind, I'm like, all right, I get it. You know, she's like, she's been hurt by me by maybe not just one man men. So it's like, fuck men. And I could agree because there's some shit men out there and what it takes to be a real man. It takes real work, and they don't want that. So. Yeah, I just had to just let it slide and and I'm like, eventually she's going to see and just get it that if she asks for help, that's what I want to do. Right? I know what actually, that was hard for me, though, is realizing that you want to. Because where I come from, right. My little, my background, you ask for help and you're like, met with guys, you're lazy, you're like, man, you can't do anything for yourself. You can't will, you can't lift that. What are you, the Queen of Sheba? It was like constant, like digs and picking at me. But when I asked you for help, like in the times, and I tell you, it's like, all right to ask for help. I hate this, but every single time you help me and I. And again, I want to because I came from toxic relationships where I was literally doing everything and then to be asked for help, I was like, wow, all right, I get to be a part of this relationship, not just feeling like, I'm doing everything. I got to do this. And then when you asked me, hey, babe, can you help me with this? Hell yeah. I'd love to. You know, being excited for that, like that. That, like, almost chokes me out. Like it's to this day I know there's still you. There's still times where, I know you could just ask me. And I'm like, no, I'd rather struggle, I would, but. That's a beauty of getting to know each other and get to know somebody, then eventually building that trust. I know because I had the same issues and I think once you started to realize that, hey, this guy's been through some shit too, so maybe I can just. Yeah, I'm down and he's still here. Yeah, I know you wake up every day. He's right there beside you. I think you know, something that I have said a lot is when you are in a relationship with someone, after an abusive relationship, after a toxic relationship, there's so much healing to be done in it. I've been told so many times that, like, you can't date until you're completely healed. But if that were the case, I would never we wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have met you. You wouldn't have met me. You know what I mean? Like, both of us have triggers and trauma and pasts. I don't think that healed is a thing. I think that you're healing and you've healed me. I don't think anybody can walk around saying they're completely healed. I mean, life this the world we live in is so damaging to begin with. Right? And everybody you come by, so to say that you're healed, I mean. I don't know, because you're constantly learning and adapting to life and people change and being able to be in a relationship and, and learn to understand each other. Yes, you help you heal each other. You've helped heal me and helped me grow into and to the man that I am today. You know, and you being nervous about the relationship coach, you know, that it actually inspired me to, to want to help people and save lives to from addiction and change their lives because that's what I did. And it's inspirational. I look up to you, I tell you that. And it's like, really weird to hear that, even though it's so nice to hear that, because usually it's like, you're a woman, you know, like, what do you know? Well, that's that's. That's that's why I get known for being a manager online. I actually remember one of your coworkers, you were like, oh, I'm dating someone, blah, blah, and like, and you must have said my name or whatever or something about me being online. And he was like, dude, did you see this? Do you not do she hates men, hates men? I remember that, and I'm like, oh, she doesn't hate me. I mean, that's what I mean, really. Like, no, no, no, I hate men. Don't confuse that with I hate my man. I love my man. Yeah. But that. Yeah, I remember that clearly. And then I was like, well, she doesn't hate me. And then I started I'm like, the thing is, she's not talking about real men. She's talking about little boys they call themselves, and they don't even realize what it actually takes to be in a healthy relation ship, and to have a woman. I know what you mean, like a woman like that. But you know, it actually reminded me of this, this thing that men say and I know you're not like perpetually online the way I am, but you know that table. What does she bring to the table. Yeah. You hear that. And women say and I'm going to tell you like I'm 100%. I am the table. That's how I see it. But I always feel like the men that ask that question, which to me would totally be your coworker. But what, like what women bring to the table? It doesn't to me. Like it doesn't need to be said. If you don't understand what a good woman, a good woman I'm not like again, there are bad ones, but what a good woman can bring to a relationship to me, it's immeasurable. I would love to have a wife. I would love to have a good woman. Well, don’t make me nervous. I think I would swing that way. I sometimes, you know, I used to wish that they did. But then I make you know, but like, women bring something so healing to relationships that whole like, you know, you take a house, make it a home, take food ingredients, make it a meal. That's what women can do. And it's reciprocal. This idea that women are reciprocal. I sit there and I think about who I was in any other relationship and I wasn't. This I don't know what this is, but you've said this before, like, were you like this with anybody else? It's like, no, I feel like nobody could say, they know me. This is more me than I've ever been. You, you you inspire that. I guess there's something people say that if you are with the right man and I suppose the right woman, but you get to be yourself. And I don't know if I subscribe to the whole, like your masculine energy and your feminine energy, but I know that I'm, assertive code for aggressive, assertive. I know that I have really strong opinions on things, and that can be like, I don't know, abrasive or I'm, I'm sure how I look online. But what's so nice is I can just come home and be like, baby, can you help me? Like, and I can be me. Just it's so, like peaceful. Yeah. And relaxing. And I think that's, that's one of the most important things in a relationship is being yourself. And I think, you know, I'm no expert. You. But I think, a lot of people, they get lost in that, you know, and you know, end up having that, that partnership, you know, like you have to find and build your best friend, you know, like when you're getting to know somebody and if it's not right, I mean, yes, you know, so many relationships you get into, I get it. It's like, that's why in the beginning you're like, you, you real, you real because you want to be on your best, at your best behavior. You want to be on point about everything because you want this person to like you. But ultimately, at the end, you can't become somebody else to please that person, because then you're no longer who you are in that relationship. You're doing it to make that person happy. And that's just a snowball effect. Just like any other thing in life is negative, right? You just goes on and on, and then you're further and further away from your true self just to make this relationship work, make this person happy and they're still not fucking happy. What they say you're keeping the peace but like who's peace are you keeping you. Keeping somebody else's peace. Meanwhile you're destroying yourself mentally and then eventually everything falls apart because you started off not being your true self. It's a performance. Yeah. And that's what I mean. What do people do when they go for a job interview? Right. And they meet a person for the first time. They get all done up. They get dressed to the nines, right? And they put on their best show. And that's unfortunately, what a lot of people do when they meet is they put on a show. They put on their best behavior. They're pulling out chairs, opening doors, and all this matters. and then once they become comfortable and realize that, oh, now I'm in a relationship and is with my woman, all of that goes away. And if all of that goes away, you should go away. Agreed. There's this, for there was. Why stick around if you're no longer? And it happens that quick, right? Why stick around? That's what I've learned Because for me, I had grew up in so much toxic relationships and lifestyle that it felt normal to me. And it wasn't until meeting you and and falling in love and having this life and learning what true love feels like and learning to understand. All right, you know, right now she just needs to vent. And it's it's my response or my reaction is, is what will help you. You know, if all of a sudden you come and you're stressed out and you want somebody to vent to, and I'm like, okay. I've had a shit day. All right. Yeah. So they're not even there. And then people did they stay because nobody else wanted them to begin with before. That's why they were single. Right. And then they do it all again. And they think to do a big bad man and I got this, I got this. You ain't got shit. They think that they get you like. And this is, that's. Why I'm. Not all men. But so many think that they can kind of like, woo you and pull out all the stops and they really listen and oh, your relationship coach tell me more. And then when you actually are in it, having day to day life and regular conversations, the check out is there. And it's like, what? What are we doing here? There's a creator online, Texas Garden Fairy. And she said, love bombing doesn't work on me because as soon as love bombing stops, I'm gone. And she said that maybe a year ago, but I have felt that way. She worded it better, but I felt like right from the get go, when I started to date again, I was like, I'm going to tell you, I'm coming up with this plan now, and I'm going to hold myself to this and I'm going to date a good man or go away. And I got some horrendous dates. I remember swapping date stories with you, but yeah, I still remember with you. Yeah. Oh, man, we could eat a whole frigging episode on just that alone. But I do remember telling you one where I was. I went on a date with someone, and he was like, oh, so if I was your kid's stepdad, and I was immediately like, what? you are a psychopath. First of all, I just diagnosed him right there as a crazy person, bringing kids into this dating scenario is very hard. And I know you know this, right? But single moms, they're all washed up and used and bitter and and have no value. I don't know if you knew that. Oh, yeah. But sometimes when I hear that, I wonder. why that is. Why they think that. Why they think that? Because. Shit. Men have so-called created that. Yeah, right. And that's what I think. That's what I'm that mean. That's my opinion. Yeah. That that's created by miserable men who have treated their women like shit. And then they don't want them anymore because they don't want to put up with their shit. Women make men work harder. Now than they ever had to in the past. I think that is personally where a lot of that, like anger comes from, is men finally have to do something more to be invested in a relationship, and men who feel like I'm a provider, I'm a protector, which I have plenty of videos on. Like I don't see that as a as a natural thing some men provide and some men protect, but fundamentally it's like a natural thing. But that's not even if you're doing that like that's it. That's all you offer is like, if somebody breaks in, you're going to do something about it and you have money. Do you have any emotional capacity? Are you going to participate in our life? Am I going to do all the chores and all the dishes and all the I mean, that part's funny because that's not how that works in relationship at all hours. It's like I do everything, Jamie, I do everything. That's why I always get the laugh. I said, yeah, I'm tired. I'm doing everything I know. I always tell you to step it up. Yeah. Okay. But You actually do so much. So much. But I do appreciate that you remind me sometimes that every time I think that you do, I'm like, you do everything and you're like, no, I don't do everything, I don't. Yeah, you. Do so much taking care of the kids. Every morning you're up, they get to go to camp. They get to get ready for school and you cook. You do. That's. That's so much stress that I'm not used to. And. And I don't have to, I mean. Yeah, that's true. So that's busy and that's. You feel busy? Yeah. I know, sometimes I think I'm not doing anything. And then I'm like, why am I exhausted if I'm not? I call you in the morning and I hear it, what's going on? And I'm like, oh yeah. And I go back to work. I'm like. This is calm. Oh, I got it off. Oh, wow. All right. Yeah, man I got it easy, man. But you do do a lot however. So the kids I typically manage most of make sense given they're mine. However are they mine at this point where we're a three years that as of now. I would say they're ours. Yeah, that's how I see it. Yeah, they love you. I love them as my own. You know, there's a difference when you hear people say like, oh, I love, I love them like my own. And I always want to ask, like, what does that mean? Like, you, you have to like, I love them as my own meaning, as if they are my own children. Because that's the love. It just doesn't. It's not just the word. It's a feeling. And they look up. They look up to me, you know they do. And coming from a shitty childhood and shitty parents never there for me, even when they were there, they weren't present. And so all of those things that I never had. I get to be there for them because I know what they want. They're looking for, come home from work and see the smiley face is just like. Yeah, yeah, when daddy screams. Definitely music. Yeah, yeah, it makes it all worth it. All of it. And in the beginning, it was. Yeah, I get it where weird guys are, like, they shy away from it. She has two kids. For me, it's like, that's a lot of love right there. That's why it didn't deter, you. Know, there's no. Yeah, it was it does it beautiful little children that, you know, like I said, they're full of love and they need guidance and somebody to look up to. And and being a single mother, those, those two children, they're basically yours for that time. Right. Because at the end of the day, when it's just the three of you, that's it. Yeah, it was the three of us, you know, for a long time and years and I think, you know, it's scary to meet somebody and like them and then be like, you know, I think I want to introduce this person to my kids and you hope that you like them. But I was really hoping that they liked you. And what's crazy, actually, is that we have a photo of the moment that they laid eyes on you because I was taking their picture when you came to the park to meet us there, we introduced you as a friend, and I just that moment that they laid eyes on you. And I feel like what I see in that photo is curiosity. Excited that they didn't know you yet, but what is it like? It was 48 hours and Joe was like, mommy right in front of you. I think it was the long weekend. And yeah. We're supposed to just be the day. And then that day was like, so amazing. Yeah, it was like, well, what are you guys doing tomorrow? I mean, I'm it's a long weekend. I'm not doing it again. There's like share and then yeah, there it was again. So it just. It ended up being like a multi-day thing. But Joe was like I mean it feels amazing when he's with us. Can he stay forever right in front of you? And I'm like, there's this thing over. It was so awkward. But I remember, like, agreeing with him. That's the crazy part. I really remember being like, Kenny, you know, like, way too early to have the conversation. But their love for you has been amazing to watch. And I just, you know, women are convinced that no man's going to want you like that really is something that so many men say is like, nobody's going to want you. You're single, used, washed up, bitter, single mom. Nobody's ever going to love you. And it's like, do you know how many step dads there are in the world? Like, be so for real. There are so many men that know that we have the best snacks. I have the best snacks. Tell me you're not a bean that's not covered. Every day I get laughed at my lunch. It was like, dude, you got so many snacks. Yeah. Like what? They're really good to kids at home. Yeah. Even those. Even those Joe Lewis. Yeah, though they're so true. That is so true. But it's it's that bitter like that. Angry. They just want women to think that there's no love out there. And I even think, like part of what inspired this episode is like, look at this, man. I think, you know, I want people to know that. When you say that this is real, going back to what you just said about, it's like nobody's going to want, you know what? Nobody's. And I think, again, coming from a man who's done the work on what it takes to become a real man, and not just walk around saying, oh, I'm a man or I don't have to say it, you know? But going back to that, like nobody's going to want you. I think that a lot of that is projected upon themself is what they, they're saying. Because the end of the day, if your woman is fed up and she's leaving you and you're saying nobody, nobody's going to want to be with her, but she's fed up with you. So why don't you go stand in front of a mirror and then just basically say the same shit they're talking, because then you're going to end up alone. You're going to end up miserable, because if this didn't work and you're not willing to change or make any of it work. Relationships, good, healthy relationships, just like anything in life, take work. And it takes. It takes time. It takes effort, and it takes being present. Yeah, but. If you're not willing as a man, if you're not, if you're not willing to do all of that, which it's really it's not even it's not hard. Just to just be a man. Be yourself. Be real. Treat your partner, your woman, your Relationship. Treat that person how you want to be treated. And if you're that person saying you're never going to be with anybody, nobody's ever going to want you. You're a piece of shit about go stand in front of the mirror, because the true reality is you're talking to yourself. Yeah, but it it affects us, you know, like, I still remember thinking like, is that true? And I actually of course, you know, what's interesting is we talk about women leave men like that, and they leave them and they go get a cat, or they go get a new man, or they choose to be single. But the point is that anything is better than being with a dude that puts you down. And I can say the same thing if you're with a woman who's putting you down, who the hell wants that? But like, no man would want that. So why would you be the kind of man that puts someone down? Or worse, frankly, the kind of man who's on the internet telling moms that they're going to die alone. And I get told that constantly. So I get told, you know, like I tell you all the time, I can't believe the comments that I get are wild. But essentially, I'm a man hating feminist. Must say I'm dressed and I'm bitter old, washed up, can't catch it all haggard maybe I can't remember, but you know, oh, she's so angry. She's so I think a lot of it is righteous anger directed in the exact right place and not in the wrong place, because as much as I'm known for being a man hater, what do you think people would be surprised to know about me, given who I appear to be online? If I'm a man hater, tell me what I do for you. Tell. Tell the boys what I do. Well, you make me make my lunch. Do you cook for me? Make me dinner. And those aren't things of, like, demanding. Like the you always cook way. Yeah. The funny thing is, you saw me make my lunch there one time, and you're like, what. Are you doing? Are you. Is that make a sandwich? And I'm like. It just slapped me on. What I've been. Eating. Is brushing my hair better? Yeah, I will agree. Was when it's made with love, you know, and even even I try to make the same sandwich as you and I take it to work and I'm like, I don't know, doing that love myself. No, I don't taste the same. Okay. How does. She make. The sandwich? Make the sandwich? The same shit that I put on it? How does it taste different. It's the love. Yeah, it tastes like love. I work really hard on your sandwiches. I get really mad at you if you ever try to make your own. I remember you telling me one of your coworkers. Different coworker than this other dude, was like, dude, how do you get her to do that? How do you get your your your girlfriend to make you sandwiches? Oh, yeah, I remember that. And I think when I came back to him was, was just simple question like, what do you mean get her to do it? Like, and I'm, I don't get her to do anything like we're, we're 50/50. Like, I do things around the house and like the things she doesn't want to do. And I damn sure don't want to make my lunch, so there's no getting into do. And then. And then I came at him. Not really came at him, but it was a reality check, you know, I said, so when you go home. I asked him about his relationship, you know, and I said, so when you when you're at home and when you're sitting there with your woman, what what do you guys do? What does it look like? And he's like, oh, well, we're watching TV and I'm, you know, and scrolling through my phone, oh, oh, so, so so you're sitting next to her, to her, which is scrolling on your phone every night. And then when you look over at her and she's watching TV. So you're not even there. You're not present. Yeah. That's still. Why don't why don't you, like, talk for your phone to be present? If you're present and you're there and you're doing things or you, you simply get up and you know, because if if that's your partner, that's your person, you should know what she's thinking or if, if you're sitting there and it's like, I wonder if she'd like another glass of milk, you know, or whatever drink or whatever it is, get up and do that. If you think about it, then go do that. Why? Why is it a problem to go get your partner a drink? But it's not a problem to go get yourself a fucking drink. Why not offer? I know you do all kinds of things for me though. Like when I think about, you know, this man hating feminists that I make your sandwiches every day and I make your lunch, which, you know, I don't believe in the five Love Languages book, but if I did, my love language would be feeding you. I just I love to do that. I love to care for you. But that's the reciprocity that I'm talking about, the sort of mutual love and respect and care. And there's like. Something right there that you that you said is so. Is care. And something that I've learned is there's a huge difference because between caring and loving, because to a lot of people, love has become a word, you know, or you could love somebody and not care. And when you truly care about somebody, that person feels the difference. to me, there's a difference, you know, whether you can love and not care. And when you really care about somebody, there's no question about the love. There's just the you just invested emotionally into it. It's there. You do so many little things for me, like there's the big things like you do the dishes or, you know, say nice things, but Saturday morning and you bring me my favorite tea, you know, I know I don't make my tea at home, even though I absolutely could. You've said it before, but I have your favorite tea. But you go and you get that, and you just, like, leave it on the counter. You don't. There's no you're not even looking for like, look, I brought you a tea. Where's my balloon? Where's my applause? You know, you it's just. And you get balloons and applause, you know, metaphorically speaking. Because it's it's given back to you. I feel like you. Give me the tea. I give you the sandwiches, you know, you do the dishes, I clean the bathroom. It's I it's there's no score card. There's no we just do things. There's just a mutual. And that's to me like love is is about action two. Right. And that's, that's like a silent appreciation, you know, again back to the all the things that you do with the kids and life and in general, just all this stuff that I don't want to do makes sense, you know, so it's like, and yes, it's so simple to say, hey, I appreciate you. Those are words, you know, to just simply do something without saying anything. Not only does it benefit our relationship, but it it makes me a better the better man by doing simple little things like that. And I think that's the big problem is, is real men. They know what it takes and they're willing to to do the work. They're willing to be present. They're willing to show up when the time is needed. They're willing to do what it takes is the bottom line. And these guys that are on the internet and if, first of all. They don't. Even don't even get me going on that shit because if, if, if you are calling yourself a man and you are sitting there. They usually call themselves alphas. Great. You know what? The first fucking letter of the alphabet starts with a great hmhmm. So anyway, if you have the time to sit there in your house by yourself most likely, and sit on the fucking internet bashing people and calling them names, and you've never even met the person, you're just going off of an experience that that person has been through, and probably ones that you've been through. You are a fucking loser. I'm sorry. You don't even you don't even have the right to come and sit. And you don't bring nothing to the table. what are you in your in your little room talking shit on the internet. And then you go out and face your family and you and your woman and whatever. And you think you're a man. If you put that in a whole different category. Oh. Interesting. That's a whole nother show that we can get into. And I can go on about that funny shit. So since we're talking about the men on the internet to have lots of things to say, this brings me to the very first little snippet of Real Talk from the comment section, which is a new little segment that I'm doing this season where I read out comments, real comments from comment sections on the internet and see what you think of these. Are you ready? Quite interesting, I bet. Yeah. Alexa. So oh, I've had so many. The men have so much to say. The long the guy in his basement. Well, you you decide where they live in. His parents basement. Okay. He's never seen these before. Okay? If this woman has a man, he's got to be a simp. Poor guy. She's so bitter. Are you simp? That's the, remind me of what that is again. Like what they say it is or what it actually is. So what they say this is a guy who is nice to women only for, like, just to to manipulate them, and you become like, a wuss like you. You pander to women. You just say what women want to hear. You don't really think it it. So you're simp. Right? So that makes me less of a man and I’m a simp because I treat my woman with respect, and and and I come peacefully and calmly and and I want, I want happiness now. Yeah. Real man wouldn't do that. Fighting. Only baiters do that. Well me growing up on me aggression was a man toward man. I mean if you, if you bring that and it's wild. So I must say you're a simp. I think it's funny actually, because to me what I hear whenever I see that is like you guys, you men, you alpha men, you really crave male validation. Like, a lot. You want men to validate you. You want the men to like you and like. You talk so loud. But there's notice that. It's so bizarre. But like. You got you need to be heard across the room. What? Why? Why so loud? So in my mind, you you you feel very unheard. Yes. So. So you need to speak as loud as you possibly can to to be noticed. Talking over women specifically. Yeah. So you need the attention. Yeah. Not. Not the woman that you're you're bitching about attention seeking it. Yeah. All right. But you're the one that's loud and, and obnoxious and seeking all the attention without, you know, but I'm saying I love that. Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Here's here's, two more. Here's the next one. She hates men. She has a man. Does her man know this? Is he okay? Someone should check on him. Are you okay? Is. Someone should check on him. Yeah. Are you okay? Yeah, I was. Your sandwich is. Oh, man. I'm. I'm living my best life. Yeah. And yet you're you're bitter. My bitter. You're bitter old. So, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have put a ring on your finger if you were bitter. And I came home and just miserable. Oh, this brings me to the next comment. Imagine having to come home to that every night. This lunatic would scare any man away. It's funny, we just. My coworkers that I've been. I've been around them for a long time, and they they had the privilege of meeting. The old, you. The old me and the old toxic relationships. And, that's funny because they all say like, man, you're a lucky guy, dude. Like you are one lucky man. You got a beautiful wife. Kids at home like, I remember one guy saying to me like, man, did you win the lottery or something? And I was like, yeah, I did. Look at what I get to go home to every day. And they was like, well, sure enough. I love that even he could see that, though. Yeah, it's the happiness. The difference. Yeah. Money would whatever years ago. And then since, since we've been together. I actually had a friend of mine recently tell me that in the past few years that I anybody he he knows I've leveled up more than anybody. And that's because of the relationship I'm in, the life, the family that we're building, the the dreams that we both have, and we're doing what it takes to to make it happen. And. To all those so-called men out there, I just got to say, you're getting it all fucking wrong. Ain't that the truth? I think so, too. I, I actually feel bad for the men who don't see the value in, in having a good woman and providing not money. Right. But providing care and love and emotional. It it emotion in the relationship to just participate and be with it. And then you get this reciprocal good relationship. It's sad like that that sort of joke that they're like. It go because it goes back generations and generations of this is how it should be. And the man that does this and the woman does this, and it just it continued on. And then but nothing changes unless something changes, you know, and if to to break that cycle and it takes, it takes change and to break that, that cycle of, oh, you must do this to be a man and this is how the household has to be. And all of that, the household is actually way more stronger if two people that are working together, as opposed to one trying to dominate the whole situation and not having no fucking clue as to what really goes on. Yeah. That's a smart woman comes in. We know what's going on. Yeah, we know. You guys hold the shit together. That we have no clue. Yeah. Much as men like to say, we got it all. We know what's going on now. I'm not ashamed to admit. No. But I mean, like, I don't even understand the concept of there being shame to admit in that. I think it's so smart, you know, that people there are good men that see this and, like, you're amazing and something that I think about all the time is I'm raising a son, we're raising a son. And I know that Joe is going to be a good man because he has a good man in his life, and he's watching you, and he watches my brother and he watches my dad. But you are the one who's here every day showing him and showing our daughter that men do dishes and that men fix broken stuff, and men nurture and and give medicine and play hide and seek and help you tie your shoes and teach them to wink. And all the things that you have done. But what you've shown them is invaluable. Like you've shown them what it looks like to love their mother. And I know I feel like I don't even tell you all of these small. Beautiful gifts that I feel they've been given to me. You know, this is without without that, without you three and there's no family home. You know. You've completed it. You know, I feel like there's no amount fewer. My missing puzzle piece. And I think a lot of people go through their whole life not finding their purpose or not meeting that that that someone, Or maybe they do meet that someone, but they they're not willing to do what it takes to not willing to change anything about themselves in order to like not to get it twisted for what I said at the beginning. You know, you, you, you put on a show and you want to be this, but you can't become something to make somebody else happy. That's not what I mean. It is. I mean, there's certain things that that you're going to do that I'm not going to like, and there's certain things that I'm going to do that you don't like, and those are stupid little things. And then if you're not willing to change any of that, then nothing changes unless something changes. And. There are good men out there. You know. I say it all the time that not all men are. Enough on one of them. Yeah. You know, I think, but living through the toxic life that I, that I was living in and doing all that at one point in my life, I wouldn't call myself a good man. But with those bad choices that I was making, you know, you're not born in an abusive person. Those you you witnessed it. You grow up around it, and then you make a decision to be like that. You don't have to be, you know, if you want respect, you have to give it. And if you wanted to be treated nicely, well, then you got to treat somebody nicely. Yeah. Otherwise fuck again to those shit men out there, just go talking to Amir. Because really, deep down inside, you got to do some work on yourself. The pain that's in there for you to be able to even say that shit. Yeah. The take away Goodman exist. Yes. I've got one right here. And I do hate men but I don't hate mine. And that's, that's what matters. I don't actually hate men though. That's, I mean that's the joke. I think what's so interesting is that as a feminist, feminism is about equality. So it actually feminism helps men and women. So, like, I don't hate men, I want better for everybody and I want more men to be like this. And like on we all want more men. Like I want more men to be like this because the I mean, the world is more beneficial with somebody who wants to be happy and somebody who wants to help somebody, as opposed to just walking around miserable. I wish I knew the actual percentage of of the miserable, unhappy people in this world in relationships, because I think to be a good person is harder than it is to just live and be like the rest of the world. Kind of misery is a lot of energy, though, so it's good to know that there are healthy relationships. And I think that that was really like the key here is that I wanted people to know that there are plenty of women who have no interest in dating again after abuse. And like, I completely understand, I kind of joke, I'm not a dating coach. I don't care what you do, don't date ever again if you don't want to. But I want people to know that good men exist and that this is what it looks like and that you can you can find something like this if you really willing to do something in yourself. I know I worked really hard to change the parts of me to be ready for a man like you, and I think you would say the same thing. So I'm glad that we finally, I finally pinned you down to to get this, to get this done. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for, I think thank you for having me. Yeah. On your show. Again, I love you to, that I'm honored, actually. And I think it's really cool what to do. And, helping people, helping women get out of that shit hole. Yeah, that's that's the goal. One by one. Yeah. Leave those bad men.